We all need love, security and acceptance. That’s why we build relationships with other people, whether friendships or love. They are born attachment to another person.
We can miss a friend who went on vacation. We’re worried about a man when he’s in trouble. We will meet, we get upset, we are glad to see, we worry – in General, we experience a range of emotions towards the person whom we consider friends, writes “Lisa”.
And it’s great. However, there is a relationship in which healthy attachment quickly becomes a heavy emotional dependence.
A dependency is something without which man cannot live and function properly. An alcoholic can not drink, the player cannot play a drug addict can’t do without the usual dose. The body without doping refuses to work. In the emotional dependence of the person you can’t live without another person.
Emotional attachment is not necessarily love. Depend on you and from a friend.
The main signs of addiction is when all the thoughts and feelings of one person begin to revolve around the life of another person.
Attachment of dependence is distinguished by the fact that the attachment people can be at a distance from each other. I don’t mean physical distance. We are talking about the distance in the relationship.
Remember friends, today you talk on the phone three times a day, because living is a common theme. But the topic has exhausted itself, and then the next call may be in a week.
You are estranged from each other at a distance of weeks, and each at this moment close or fond of something else. Another person or another activity.
So it is with man — you can meet in the evening and spend together a wonderful night and in the morning return to their lives and to meet a few days later.
But every time, leaving your man for a number of days, you know that you are still in a relationship. Girlfriend you dumped the man next door.
In an emotional dependence on the distance to be impossible. Any increase in distance is perceived as care – “she doesn’t want me to be friends”, “he dumped me”.
Then the dependent person begins to require proof that you are still in a relationship. At first it may be an innocent message like, “hi, how are you?”, however, if you are not answered immediately upon receipt, you will bombard on the rise. It can be pictures of cats, dogs, cute poems, lyrics “tell me I’m worried”.
But the sweeter and more innocent will these hooks, neglected to pull you to the contact, the more you’ll feel like you are suffocating. The other person wants to control you and every second requires evidence of love. At the same time he can be absolutely real, not paintings, to suffer, to feel physical pain, thinking that you left him.
So why do people fall into emotional dependence? The roots of this phenomenon lie in early childhood.
The first and main relationship attachment formed with the mother. Since fetal development and until about 10-12 months after the birth of the child and the mother exist as one. Notice how a pregnant or young mothers, often say “we” referring to herself and the child?
Mom provides baby safety and fills it with love. After 10 months, the child learns to walk and starts his independent journey to explore the world. The older the child becomes, the farther it goes.
If the relationship with the mother, everything is built well, the child does not lose the sense of security and knows what its like. In addition, the mother gives support: “you can leave, you can go back, because I’m next.”
If in the period of one year in the relationship of mother and child fails, for example, my mother was in a long post-partum depression, or pregnancy were not initially desired, the child formed hole in the feeling of security or the trauma of being abandoned. Even then if the mother returns – this hole is not overgrown. The child grows with a sense of a huge deficit of love.
In the end, we get a man whose inner vessel of love and security always empty. This emptiness is not realized. But nature abhors a vacuum. Therefore, man tries to fill the jug, “prikazivati” to the emotions of others.
If you become the object of someone’s emotional dependency to get rid of it easy. The further you distance yourself from the person who you crush, the closer, the faster and more emotional it will be coming.
In love addiction woman, for example, can threaten the man’s suicide in front of him or to make a bright public stage. Friendship same — girlfriend is accusing to ask “what are you doing?”, “where have they gone? I’m so excited”.
The main thing to understand is that you are not responsible for the emotions and feelings of another person. And stock up on calm. While you are involved and give emotions, the other person sucks them like a vampire.
You are not a donor, who is obliged to give all their blood for someone’s life. Even if you will give it, it still will not help, because the tank has no bottom. If a person is very dear to you, you can speak directly to him: “You are a valuable person, I like to be friends with you, chat, but I have many other interests and people in my life. If I’m not with you right now, that doesn’t mean I’ll quit.”
If you are the one who is stuck and suffocating, without the help of the psychologist is not necessary. You do not only destroy the life of another person, but your life too. Yes, you are unlucky in early childhood. For some reason mom left you and you got injured. Inside you is a huge lack of love and security, but make up for it. There are special techniques and methods that will fill the vessel once and for all. Then you will learn to build with other people in a healthy relationship affection without suffocating control.
Why all those two – one that depends on the one who becomes the object of addiction? There is no single answer. But you can dream up.
In the book by Robin Skinner and John Cleese “Family and how to survive,” describes an exercise that illustrates how people form pairs. The band, which has not yet met, please choose a mate from those present on the principle “the one who reminds me of someone in my family or a “missing link” is the one I am missing.”
Talking and getting to know some details about each other it is prohibited. When the group is split into pairs, ask them to discuss why they joined, that is, to identify similarity. The results of the exercise is that people choose their partners whose families functioned similar to their own. In some inexplicable way we perceive each other this information.
I think the same and with injuries, we feel in another renanot the same as ours. However, for the same injury, each developing his own way to deal with it. One abandoned child grows into an adult, prone to dependent behavior. Another abandoned child goes to the independence or strong autonomy “to me, no one left, I did to myself and not let”. Both equally injured, but with different ways out of trauma. And here is a “dependent” starts to run “offline”, than bring him to madness. Both need and affinity, and affection, but they will not find it, only more hurt.
We all need each other. But not in order to “heal” or to measure injuries. When two people are studying environmentally friendly to do with their emotional wounds, they become solid and independent individuals who can build relationships of interdependence. They will fill each other, not “drain”.
And this is the path to freedom.