Happy family is hard work. And the lucky new family twice. After the second marriage should be able to compromise not only with a new partner, but also with her children. How can this be achieved and how to successfully fulfill the role of stepmother or stepfather? Know the answer of our experts Tatiana Mikheenko, independent psychologist of the highest category, a psychotherapist, and Tatiana Moiseenkova, child psychologist, psychotherapist, traumatherapie Psychological crisis services.
THE STEPMOTHERS OR STEPFATHERS: WITHOUT FLATTERY AND FEAR
Nekrovnymi parents often are afraid to become teachers and try to conciliate the child, sprinkling compliments and pampering. But this is to be careful.
MEET WITH THE CHILD NOT IN A CAFE. And do not invite him to the first meeting for rides, to the cinema or the zoo. Such a gesture, the child will be regarded as flattery, and in his eyes you haven’t entered the new family, will lose some credibility. In addition, getting acquainted with a stranger on its territory, the child will feel more relaxed and learning will be more successful.
Plus, as you will see, what the child in the home, and the possible mismatch with your idea of good behavior, children then will not be a surprise to you.
COMMUNICATE WITH CONFIDENCE AND WITHOUT COMPLIMENTS. Supplies the praise for later. Rare child positive in new marriage mom or dad. And because your: “Wow, what a skillful — I so deftly put LEGO can’t”, “Wow, what a clever, beautiful, these girls I’ve never met” — will be perceived as opposing attempts westit to get the location. And if such phrases really flattery, it will annoy the child even more. Do not forget that about 80% of the information a person perceives non-verbal, but because deception is “read”.
For this reason, avoid thoughts like: “Oh, Yes, dad, I replace him unlikely” or “Poor girl, what it feels like to be without their mother”, — these thoughts will result in a tone of apology. It Angers the child and gives him the right to be the gloating winner over you.
DON’T BE AFRAID TO BRING UP. The surest way to the heart of the stepdaughter or the stepson is a partnership. But democracy is possible only where there is discipline. So do not hesitate to behave as a parent: cheer, help, praise, but, if you must chide yourself, limit, negoduya. An important condition — this role can be started when the child recognizes the right of parenthood: going to compromise on smaller issues.
If the “new” child will be to provoke you into actions that will prove your “vile nature”, do not ignore and do not liberalnaya, and suppress. For example, will tell you unflattering things about the biological father in the expectation that you will also be watering the dirt. Your reaction: you’re not protecting the father, and speaks clearly: “I with you will not discuss”.
Usually the root cause of these attacks is jealousy. Therefore take time and invest in a new mate and a new baby equally.
MOMS OR DADS: THE “VOICE” OF THE CHILD AND NOT BLAME YOURSELF
The main problems of the parents guilt and the desire to have a child soon recognized their new chosen one.
DISCUSS THE ROLE OF THE CHILD IN THE FAMILY. It needs to have the same rights, the same value to parents and to occupy the same place in the family as before. In any case, it does not use the phrase “Know this: whatever happens, I will take the position of the child.” To do this, before the creation of the new family should discuss the points that from the first look to the “location” of her child have no relationship. But do not shove like a tank, and to discuss appropriate questions for such time “to the word” better in one day. Thus, you will show this place and will learn the opinions of half this. In this veil the best interests of the child under their. Say: “I have Long wanted to give the van to the football section, but you know my schedule — I can’t drive. Can you?” (kind of like talking about your employment), “How would you like that every Sunday we are all together, somewhere to go? Well, there’s a picnic in the circus? We find the time? I love this weekend, and then small and so almost do not see” (like before about your interests), and similar wording.
ABOUT THE NEW HAPPINESS SPEAK FREELY. Don’t be afraid to offend or upset the baby news, you get married (get married). You have to create a new family law and have a right to be happy. Tell that to the child. Do not try the guilt if you have to defend in front of the child their right to happiness, and patience to withstand his manipulation. You are not the property of the child, and may not be the only means to satisfy his desires. If he starts complaining that he no one is not needed and that you are so happy with him, problemite child and confidently, but with love in his eyes and tone tell the child you are happy very much, but in adults, there is another important form of happiness is love to a man (woman) and create with him family.
Crumbs and 6 will explain the natural and necessary Union women and men: “a lot is made of two halves that are not always together: day-night, sun-moon”.
DO NOT FORCE THE RECOGNITION OF NEW HALF. Before the child recognizes the stepmother or the stepfather the right to parenthood, it is home to four stages, each of which normally should not last more than six weeks.
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The first protest: children may refuse to go to the kindergarten/school and from favourite dishes, often use the “I want!” to be capricious, to hurt without end of SARS, to stay in school or with friends on the street. Try not to tell the child — let the right choice and offer a compromise solution. It is not excluded the bargain, and that’s fine. But speak with the child the consequences of the fact that he will not fulfill agreements. For example, to come home to 20:00. With this measure, the child may choose for himself.
The second stage is despair. The child responds to your questions, tips, wishes adequately, up to the tantrums. Quietly verbalize the child’s feelings: “You are angry, offended, I know you feel bad, you know how hard this is for you”. It will be for the baby signal “I understand”, and he noticeably calms down. Then as calmly speak to your child why his reaction does not match the question, and give him a hug. Perhaps he would be to tear — this is also normal: in fact, the child waits for you to embrace as evidence of the love that will not go away with the advent you have a new family.
The third denial. The child pretends that your second half doesn’t exist. And its treatment can answer something like “Huh? Yes? You didn’t tell me that I have not heard/do not understand/do not understand you”, silently ignore the stepmother or stepfather, or pull the blanket attention to yourself.
Do not allow to manipulate, throwing everything and rushing to the child with the explanation and explanation of his attacks. Pause — so you can show your child that he doesn’t decide who you be. However, when the passions will diminish, pull the child in revelation, what and why is he angry at your spouse. And don’t forget to assure him of your love.
The fourth stage the child will accept the situation, internally agree with your choice and begin to communicate with a stepmother or stepfather — and quietly, perhaps even happily accepting suggestions to help with studies.
