For more than 20 years I have been working on tools that help people to heal from traumas of the soul with which we are born. One of them is abandoned trauma, which manifests itself in each of us to different degrees.
Read more about injuries of the soul can be read in my book “5 injuries of the soul” or the same training that I will hold this spring in Kyiv.
It was the trauma of abandoned causes us to experience pain and the fear that our partner will leave us, and we will not be able to cope with this pain.
Trauma abandoned (present at birth) is activated by the parent of the opposite sex, at the age of about one year. Every injury is supported by different beliefs, and that’s one of the beliefs of the person who suffers from this mental scars: a person of the opposite sex loves me, but only if he pays a lot attention to me, supports me in all my endeavors and always wants to be around me.
As soon as the need for attention is not satisfied and we feel hurt (our trauma affected), we experience unpleasant emotions and put on a mask (protective reaction), so as not to suffer so much. Mask of a man in the trauma abandoned is called DEPENDENT.
The person in this reaction sees no difference between “loving unconditionally” and “like.” That is why it is often so painful. It seems that the person who loves him, must want to please and do something nice. When this does not happen, he feels abandoned and wears a mask.
If you feel that you’re hard to be alone, if you’re looking for support and care of other people and afraid of being abandoned by your partner, you definitely need to learn to love unconditionally yourself and realise that love does not necessarily mean “to do something to please”. To love is to accept.
Take the example of girls whose father is very passionate about her work. Returning home in the evening. He always tells him that she is his little Princess, but she feels the frustration. She wish he spent less time at work or with her mother, and had paid more attention to her. Sometimes she even would quarrel with his mother and father was not her side. It seems that so it will get more love. If he does not protect her, especially when she feels that her mother is unfair to her, she will feel abandoned by his father. This behavior is repeated in adulthood, especially with a partner. To help yourself cope with this trauma, we attract to ourselves the situations in which we feel abandoned, until, yet do not realize that in fact it is not. If a loved one is not always near us, it does not mean that he does not love us. He’s just now other needs or other activities.
The dependent person uses different ways to attract attention: he’s crying attracts trouble, it is difficult to make independent decisions. He often hides their talents or expertise for fear that nobody will want to help. When he is alone, he did not care. He needs the attention of other people, but more – of the opposite sex. He needs the attention he gets, talking about their problems. He has the talent to tell a funny or dramatic story.
Such a person is essential to learn to love themselves, not waiting for the attention of strangers.
If you recognize yourself in this portrait, you know that to love yourself means to accept your fear of abandonment, to accept what you often feel abandoned and that you have developed because of this behavior, helping you to protect yourself. To love yourself is to not judge yourself for what you have at the moment. To love yourself is to give yourself what you need, instead of depend on other people and to feel the constant lack of this.
Also learn to see the difference between “love” and “like.” Accept that even if you love another person, it may happen that you can’t or don’t want at some point to please him or to do something for his pleasure. And that doesn’t mean you don’t like it.
That’s the difference between these two words:
Like is to give pleasure to another person, giving him or doing for him what he likes or what he expects of you.
To love is to accept other person such what it is, but it is also to be able to accept the fact that he may have his own preferences, his weaknesses and strengths, their desires, beliefs, fears and their needs, which in most cases differ from ours. To love is not to seek to change the other person, not to criticize him or condemn his actions as good or bad. The same applies to what it means to love yourself.
If you think not want to like another, it’s selfish, you know that you think so only because you don’t know the exact definition of this word. To be selfish in fact, is to strive to have other people satisfy your needs before they will make the necessary for them.
Learning to love yourself truly, you will want to please others and others will do the same towards you. It may sound counterintuitive, but I assure you that this is reality. I wish you to discover the magic that happens when we begin to love yourself!
Translation: Iya Zaitsev
