The website “Today” publishes an excerpt from a new book by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky “Want and will”.
He died, not finding meaning in life. And he died,
finding meaning in life. And he died, looking for meaning in life.
And that even more lives. It would be necessary to talk to him.
I must say that do not claim the laurels of writers and philosophers, that is people who are searching for the meaning of life professionally. And don’t really believe that it is possible to gain a rational manner. As in, it here: “I have read “the Brothers Karamazov” and understand the meaning of life.” I would not raise this issue, if not daily faced with situations when pseudopodia meanings and purposes of suffering. And if the effects did not appear severe depression and even suicide. I am sure that the cause and effect here are reversed. As we traditionally see? Man seeks and finds the meaning of life, lies down on the sofa, are depressed, suffering. (We have to suffer — a favorite national pastime, but now not about it.) In fact, he had, of course, first something happens, something fails: from two for the exam to losing a loved one — and then he goes to broad generalizations, asserts that he is a loser, life is ashes and meaning there is no…
Or suddenly realizes that he lives not as he wants, as planned. The result is the same. Or on the contrary, recognizes that we have achieved all their goals, and happiness-no. Or… you Know, questions about the meaning of life arise not from a great mind and maturity, but because the man somehow does not live. Prevent any units, systems, features of the psyche. A healthy, mentally happy and successful people do not aspire to any of these questions, no rational purpose. And certainly not trying to implement them at any cost. They enjoy the emotional side of life! Just live. The sense meets the rational part of the brain (and ourselves),and for mental well-being and happiness — emotional. If emotions are suppressed or discredited, speculative start the search for meanings that will sooner or later end in disappointment, a crisis, if not a tragedy.
A rifle that shoots at a Mature age, charged again in childhood. What successes parents are happy to record and promote? Boys: a good study and physical strength. Girls: good study and physical beauty. It is believed that it is possible in this life to build. And much more right from childhood about the word “need”. What they say to children in high school? “You MUST study well”, “my father’s bones lie down to do”,”a Good education opens perspectives”. Like any education is good. As if it might have something to guarantee. You know that, statistically, people with a “good” education is more likely to be salaried employees? Yes, and girls in the ears often buzz that get married need TIME and even then can not take it. In my opinion, impossible, and downright dangerous to tell a child that marriage is the best thing that could happen to them in life. The best is happiness. Happiness is the maximum personal realization in love, friendship,family, children, profession — everything that person is talented and wants to try. But what actually happened? I find a meaning in advance (will absorb with mother’s milk), and when they stop working or are about to fall into despair.
See also: How to stop being a victim, what is the fault of our parents and how to make children happy an interview with a famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky
At this point it is important to understand that there is no abstract meaning of life. What is the meaning of life is life itself. The purpose of life is to enjoy it. Vital guide — self-realization. By the way, those mentally wealthy people (not aliens — they do walk among us) do not lead to talk to the children about what those people should grow. And don’t say that to meet the expectations of their parents — their main task in the short life. Sometimes the inability to gain pleasure from life and as a consequence of the continuous search for the meaning of life is associated with underdevelopment of the emotional sphere. It may be hereditary, and acquired the feature of the psyche. I: now change jobs, or get divorced, or move — and finally everything will be fine. But the external changes, but inside he is not getting any better. Because happiness depends very little on external circumstances. All of us, it’s true. Viktor Frankl is not something that is not broke, but psychologically unchanged in the concentration camp. Another option is unstable psyche. When people are rushing, all what is looking and can’t stop to linger on something to find peace. (If the psyche is stable,it’s like a very long time.) Again it is not the absence of meaning and purpose, and that both changes too frequently. An endless shuffling of papers, wives, apartments, partners… And all you need to love what is. Yourself and your life. And then the development, growth, positive changes occur naturally and smoothly. And emotional immaturity, psychological instability, it is treatable. The main thing — to know exactly what life should be joy.
Questions and answers
— I’m good: family, three children, life is filled with worries. But I am beginning to wonder what I’ll do when they grow up? What is the meaning of my life then?
— This is just a consequence of the installation that the vocation of every woman — home, family, motherhood. And if before marriage the girl has not formed other interests, she’s trying to cling to the children as sense. But children grow up, and inevitably begins the crisis. However, there are a lot of other examples: for example, when 70-year-old mother calls 48-year-old son, teaches him to live and control whether he ate cereal for Breakfast — she never found more meaning and lessons than motherhood. And your task is to find! Start looking for and sell themselves, should now. We need to understand what you want from your life BESIDES family and children. It is normal to want to give birth. It is abnormal to want this only.
— A friend is depressed, has lost the meaning of life, because it turned out that her husband was unfaithful. How is it sustained? She had to decide whether to continue the relationship.
The main thing is not to say, “Yes, you divorced that asshole!” And don’t say, “Yeah okay!” No need to devalue her problem. But try to show that she’s not alone and has the full right to take any decision. Show sensitivity: the times when a person is so hard, friends can’t replace his sense of his lost. Can’t replace the life he destroyed. But can support and be near you. Many treat their wishes with caution, and even fear. The concept is this: “I will only give! I uuuh! Well then I will not stop! (Sex, drugs and rock-n-roll or “I’m going to fucking kill!” and “In anger, I’m terrible!”.) If this is true what he wants, what kind of person is this? Then he usually recognizes that he needs a firm hand, a tight one and so on. I think this psychology is called the slave.
— I live, rationalizing everything, and there’s no other way. How to abandon rational goals, to follow emotions?
— It happens when the emotional sphere is suppressed, and, conversely, when a person is hypersensitive, anxious. Not to go crazy, he has to constantly control myself. His rationalization is an attempt to stay afloat, to protect themselves from their own emotions, from life itself. Both treated. Go to a psychologist. With depression I suggest to start to learn how not to be afraid to Express your emotions. I want to shout — shout! As he sang the turtle tortila, “I want to fight — so fight!”. Don’t be afraid to look rude, argumentative… Head to snap to the conflict, which explain about the culture of the conflict. Suppression of emotions is a direct path to cancer. The meaning of the conflicts to merge the negative, if not, the negative goes to the physiology. Animals do not get heart disease because they have no reflection, they know that in critical situation it is necessary either to flee or to fight. And try to trust positive emotions, and desires. Do what you want, not what we need…
— What to do if I got seriously ill mother, and my whole life is around her?
— As I see it, you lived, looking for the meaning of life, then it turned out that you have a sick mother, and — op! — it turns out to look nothing more is needed. So? It’s always a matter of choice, the question is, whether you agree with what life offers you. The problem of caring for mom is always possible to solve, at least for a few hours a day — there are nurses. Another question, what will you do when you don’t have to take care of mom? You know? Go back to work? What? Do you like your job? Ask yourself these questions, and then many things will become clear. And about older moms: psychiatrists around the world are inclined to believe that after a certain age, say after age 60, everyone needs to drink antidepressants.
— I love my job, but it takes a lot of strength and nerves. This means that we must look for another?
— For the employer, a neurotic is the best employee. Because neurotic worries all the time: suddenly you’ll be late, suddenly not, suddenly he is not? And the salary was not asking for a raise, because is not confident. All these reasons for your feelings real? Are you sure? It is possible that with the work all right, and you to her neurotic attitude. It’s like being in love — from her someone becomes stronger and someone suffers and dies. Do not change the work, try to change your attitude to it.
— Everything was fine, I realized both in work and in relationships. Then gave birth to a child, he was diagnosed with severe autism. Now my whole life is dedicated to him. I really like it, but periodically lose the meaning of life. And certainly can’t enjoy it. What would you recommend to do?
— To do everything to not feel hostage to the child and situation. If there is any way to free up time to hire someone who will properly be able to care for your son, spending time with him, to develop, do not hesitate. Do everything you can to begin to perceive the son as a child, not as a disabled person and being sick. Better give it 5 minutes, but with a desire, than if he annoys you 24 hours a day… And need something to deal with your guilt is a destructive feeling and a bad adviser.
— Did I understand correctly that if someone gets pleasure out of life, he just some kind of residual? It is necessary to the psychologist?
— In General, Yes. Right.
— And if I understand correctly that all these searches for the meaning of life — there is a search for love?
— Thank you for this deep thought. Of course, the desire to be loved, rules the world. Even from birth, but at conception it is important that the mother that you are at least wanted you to give birth. Because a small child wants his parents physically he belonged… How important it is that the love felt by the teenager, already mentioned — this is vital! Actually, all this struggle for success, popularity, beauty, all these incredible efforts, plastic surgery, instagram, collect likes — all search of love… Dissatisfaction with life is lack of love. You feel that you don’t like it. He does not understand what is going on and thinks: what to do to be loved? You already know that? To start with, yourself to love!
Soon the book will be presented in Ukraine, and while Kiev have the opportunity to talk with Mikhail Labkovsky personally within the framework of its new public consultation “About the relationship in the pair”.
- Kiev. May 18, the Ukrainian House, beginning at 19.00
- Kharkov. May 16, the Premier Hotel Kharkiv Palace, beginning at 19.00.
- Odessa. May 21, Big hall of cinema “Rodina”, beginning at 17.00.