Livia, and Thomas sit at the kitchen table. On the table cheese casserole. At the house of a parked VW Polo. Until they tell me your love story, gradually darkens. Sometimes, Livia not being home. She’s in town. Seeing other men. Kisses them. Bear with them to bed. It’s like she’s free. And Thomas? He’s at home. But not jealous. Why? He already knows everything. Sometimes he can’t sleep when she’s not around. Not because of worrying about it, but because it just is not here. When she returns home, he wakes up. Sometimes she will then sleep with each other.
“It makes our relationship more interesting,” says Livia.
“I look at each other in new ways,” says Thomas.
They are happy. For the past fifteen years. The two of us. Sometimes the three of us. And I ask myself, sitting at the kitchen table. They do everything right? Or still wrong? They crazy — or are we? And what can they learn?
To deal with these issues, I talked with four pairs, such as Livia and Thomas. People who interpret loyalty differently. Teachers and engineers, dancers and students. Some of them 20 years old, the other almost 50. Some together recently, the other for 15 years. Some escape from his life in a short adventure. They call their relationship “open”. Other for a long time living in the “triangle”. Some call themselves “polygamous”. Some seek to avoid any marks.
But they all have one thing in common — they are happy with each other. At least, most often. As in “normal” couples, they have a more or less durable, stable relations. But if we exclude the third. Although they love each other? Or just because they love each other? “If you really believe in each other, this openness is the ultimate expression of love,” says one of them. Is he right?
1. Bad job
Monogamy, as for purely numbers, it was terrible. Almost every second couple divorces in Germany, the trend is on the increase. Our relationship lasted an average of four years, about half of adult Germans betrayed each other. Cheating is the most common cause of divorce. No wonder: More than half believe that their sexual desires are not implemented in pair. Daily monogamy: Lying, cheating, and wound care. “The divorce rate in this world arranged for commercial aircraft, already long ago would have led to their abolition,” writes author Anna Weak. But failure in love, we considered an individual failure. Or fate. That is an absolutely normal thing. Although for many it brings terrible pain. Although we all know the decay time of passion.
Initially we have the heart directs the mind. A few weeks or months we are completely besotted. A cocktail of hormone happiness makes us absolutely unable to think clearly. The mouth is designed for kissing. Hands to touch. Bed not just to sleep in it. If we work together, this state goes into a “durable relationship”. But sooner or later the release of dopamine ends. Dope passes. In its place comes a hormone such oxytocin. We want to be close to each other — not always naked. After a couple of years is the sexual interest in the partner. Fades not love. “Only” a purely physical attraction. Whether it be habit, stress, children or both — it doesn’t matter. Each magician has a shelf life. And then?
In the new novel Jonathan SAFRAN Foer, “here I am” for nearly 600 pages describes the decay of an almost perfect pair because of the inability of partners to theorize the lack of sex. Physical intimacy is present only in the subjunctive mood. Jacob, the man, releasing his passion in a vulgar SMS to the other women. Julia considers attraction to his friend the end of her love for Jacob. In the end, we are witnessing the disintegration of the family.
The couple in the book Fouer — stereotype. The lack of sex, almost logically following this betrayal, the breakup of pairs of standard situation in modern relationships. About her countless times it was said in Newspapers, books and films about it, talked with friends and strangers and loving each other people.
“To sleep with other people so you feel more attractive. And this sexual power once again leads you in your relationship,” says one man.
“This is especially effective when you suddenly become mother and father,” — said his friend with whom he has two young sons. “Then start to speak only of the removal and diapers. And don’t say get naked!”.
Of course, there it is, big love. There are couples who and ten and twenty and thirty years open up to each other again, and physically. Is the Golden wedding, which has already become a hoary men still hold each other’s hand. I know this. My grandparents were together for over 70 years, until his death.
Many people are happy together. Many refuse for the sake of a partner from adventures. They know there is nothing greater than true love. Hidden level relations, as he calls the author the Malta wedding, this unique protection when one is always with others, no matter what, it can only be achieved with incredible reach.
But how often do we see such symbiosis? And, most importantly, how long it lasts? Biography of a relationship full of words such as “work” on the relationship therapy in couples, the war of divorce. If people like nature intended should exist together, then what do all those wrong who are unhappy with this?
These issues do therapists, coaches, authors, experts, researchers. And always talking about pain you need to survive. “Why love hurts” — as the Israeli sociologist Eva Illouz called his brilliant work on the problems in the relationship. It describes big problem of the individual in the modern world — no social rules, no class, no tradition or religion does not give me more than I should be. It is a complex system of social resonance. A big part of our value a person takes out of the relationship.
This is linked to feelings of jealousy. After all, the one who is cheating, and officially failed at the most important moment of our time to be a loving and beloved individual. This drop height is unlimited. And we all know the endless temptations of the sexual market. But instead to open our nature and culture, we adhere to the old romantic ideal. Consider guilty — Tinder, pornography, the person with whom the partner changes, a partner and myself.
And yet we remain true to yourself. Has never been better. The biggest constant of civilized humanity repressed sexuality. And it was in the name of monogamy.
2. Monogamy is a myth?
Winter 1644, Massachusetts, USA. James Britton admits that he wanted to have sex with a young bride from a good family, Mary Latham. Although this attempt was not successful, the court admits that both violated the rules of marriage. Mary even at the gallows warns young women from repeating her actions. Then James and is awaiting her hanging. Mary Latham was 18 years old.
From ancient times to the middle Ages sex was something beautiful, only for a minority. First and foremost, it was a means of procreation, survival strategy. And, unfortunately, also a status symbol, an instrument of power, a means of violence. The external message was that the most important faithfulness in marriage for life. Inside the desire was torn in the inner chains. In the 19th century erotica was practically filled with fear, as he wrote the American sociologist Richard Sennett. But because the desire is always stronger than any prohibition, flourished “sin” and prostitution. They then tolerated, then persecuted. “In London there are 80 thousand prostitutes,” wrote Arthur Schopenhauer. “Don’t they make human sacrifices on the altar of monogamy?”.
Until the XX century people, especially, women had everything to lose if they were caught expressing their sexuality. And today we pretend like we did lust civilized. But cheating — whether it’s a secret, tolerant or paid tears — it seems everyone with her ever. Some forgive. Some kicked. Many it hurts again.
Monogamy in their romantic ideal is often just a myth. People constantly struggle with it. What a strange nature that you want to punch with fire and iron, abuse and shame?
Scarlett Johansson recently said: “I do not think monogamy is natural”. She respects her, but believes that it is contrary to the instincts. The fact that it is hard work for many people proves that it is not a natural thing. Could it be that monogamy is simply contrary to nature?
3. The biggest mistake of mankind
In addition to Johansson so do many anthropologists. “The myth of monogamy” is a book by David P. Barash, Professor of psychology in Washington, and his wife, psychiatrist Judith Eve Lipton. In his book, the researchers point out that monogamy, in the animal world and the human, is not something normal.
Evolutionary psychologist Christopher Ryan and the doctor Casilda of Yate in his bestseller “Sex real story” write: When our sexuality has evolved over the centuries, in the days of culture of hunters and gatherers of the stone age, we did not live monogamous. Because our evolution has built us otherwise. How do they know it? Signs of countless.
For example, hostile to sperm vaginal environment or more precisely selective. She selects one and only who is worthy to fertilize the egg. So evolution gave men sperm as a football team spetsializiruyutsya on how to overcome obstacles and take out the enemy sperm. The most important thing here is “sperm competition”. The most important selection, as nature intended, should not occur before and after sex, in a woman’s body.
So some things are men’s testicles, women’s screams of pleasure, our unique in the world of the sexual appetite are more important in “free” sexuality. Probably we were in love with each other and in the cave, had children, stayed together. But it was not exclusive, just for a while. For a typical tribe of the order of 150 individual may have been better if they formed not only individual families but entire groups by sexual and biological relationships that were associated with each other children and lots of love.
So primitive peoples did not exist the concept of direct paternity, as today’s hunters and gatherers. They believe in “accumulative pregnancy.” When a woman wants to conceive, she collects enough sperm from several men to combine in the future the child their best qualities. All men care about all children. So, the most part of human society and primitive peoples on this planet were not monogamous. Only we, the great, modern Western tribes for centuries, pretend it’s the right way to live.
Some see it as a consequence of the “greatest errors of mankind.” So, the biologist and Pulitzer prize winner Jared diamond speaks on residency. It is considered the starting point of monogamy. When, after a life full of adversity, heir to the yard, want to avoid “collective” children. “Nuclear family” — father, mother and child occurs as a minimal social unit that makes it possible for a large society and its progress.
Therefore, from this point we begin to live in a constant conflict of our nature with our culture. In order to resolve it, we want it today more to reflect on, communicate, buy sex toys. Just not to do that to us whispers in the ear of our nature.
4. Shared joy — how to achieve it?
“Love is not determined by coercion,” says me young mathematician Jasper. “And a good relationship too. The fact that something is banned and deprived to be more happy — that’s the paradox.” This misunderstanding even has its own song — “Every breath you take and every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I’ll be watching you”. It was performed by sting with the Police in 1983. The global hit “Every breath you take” what we perceive as the ultimate love song. But, sting says, “It sounds like a comforting love song. But I think the thought of Big brother, surveillance and control. One couple told me, “Oh, we love this song, it was played at our wedding”. I thought — well, good luck.”
People who like “open”, by contrast, reject this kind of control. They make the usual arguments: “If you really love me, for me, you refuse something”, in its opposite: “If you really love me, you will give me the freedom. And I to you.”
Often — contrary to stereotypes — particularly women promoting this openness. Their sexuality, according to the researchers, is much more plastic than men. They are more pliable and versatile. On the one hand, this makes them more vulnerable to public pressure, which they are still assigned the role of a chaste virgin. But on the other hand, it makes them more open to what is on the outside.
That is, Live that says: “to Flirt and allow yourself to flirt with me, I just like it. Why should I not do that?”. Or Marie, friend Jasper, who refuses to relationships for one night. Or Victoria, which divides the two men with their wives, and does not consider it bad, because it brings her joy.
But men have benefits from departing from the usual roles. Don’t need to be Superman protecting his woman. You need to understand what love is. And what is just ego. “When not men, and I do not get it, it’s not jealousy, it’s jealousy. The internal counter that they are more successful than I am,” says Jasper.
But don’t you fall in love, when they are with others? Marie says no. Neither one of the men with whom she once or twice sleeping, she wasn’t in love. She can separate sex from feelings. And does not believe that this is something special. “While one love is strong enough, you can always make a choice in favor of it,” she says. And yet many of those who like “open”, jealous and vulnerable as every human. What here can help?
“Emotional yoga” — as some call the slow relaxation when together to discuss what is okay and what is not. “During yoga you often think it doesn’t work anymore. I can’t take much more,” says one man. “Then I just take a deep breath. It all works out. Emotionally it’s like. When your partner having sex with someone else, having a good time, have sex, and you think — how do I handle that? Then inhale, trying to look from a different perspective, and at some point, relax”.
“Compression” — so supporters of polygamy call this “sharing the joy” or “sharing love”. The fact that in other areas of life we are given as children — “be happy for your sister instead of jealous!”, it is possible to try to do in love.
5. Learning to swim
I think it’s time for the second of this sexual revolution. Let’s be honest: do you know everything that is written in this article? I, until recently, no. How do know that? The so-called training sessions are taught to put condoms on bananas. But our sexuality, we do not explain. Now we just need education. I wrote this text about this. I know that today can be embarrassing to talk openly about sex.
Scarlett Johansson caused a great storm and their statements. Because she’s one of the few stars who openly talk about their problems with monogamous fidelity. No wonder, if the history of mankind covering one day, we have had five minutes ago would have started sexual freedom. Liberalization of the last decades was just a small first step in a long journey. Some pass this way differently than the other. And each path is good, as long as it makes people happy. There is still a lot open.
Victoria loves two men. Both of them are married. Both she sees regularly. And she’s happy. “It’s me, and I live it and I don’t want to change — I can speak it, and it makes me happy. It is much better than to maintain a monogamous marriage, and behind change. This question — as I want to live? It is the most important on earth. It’s nothing I need be ashamed”. Because wives know about Victoria. And they don’t have anything against it. Soon, she’ll introduce her man with her mom. “She is very happy. And he is too.” Your wedding ring, do not be. It. As Victoria.