Santa Claus: a global health threat

In the 4th century ad in the World in Asia Minor, modern Turkey, lived a generous Bishop named Nicholas. Shortly after he died, he was canonized under the name Saint Nicholas. In modern times, such conductors of culture, like Coca-Cola and Disney, has equipped the Saint who is now called Santa Claus, fur-lined red suit, big beard, with a body mass index of about 40 and a reindeer team. Some argue that he is still alive, others are skeptical. But while there is doubt, there is hope. Although for the sake of our planet — let’s cross our fingers and hope that he died.

In 1897, one eight year old girl asked her father whether Santa Claus really is. Father parried the question by replying: “If Newspapers write that there, so true.” The girl caught parent on the word. In a letter to the new York newspaper The Sun she wrote: “Be kind, tell the truth: Santa Claus actually exist?”

Editor in the front gave her a clear answer: “Your friends are mistaken. They were influenced by the age of skepticism. (…) The most truthful things in the world — those who can’t see neither children nor adults (…) Yes, Virginia, Santa Claus exists.” This editorial is the most quoted in American history.

No, Virginia, Santa Claus does not exist. In 1991, almost 100 years later, the approval of the editor, however, was questioned. In an article titled “No, Virginia, Santa Claus does not exist” in the journal Spy Magazine statement about the existence of Santa Claus was thoroughly refuted from a scientific point of view. There were given an arithmetic task, in which all the details were counted and proved what an incredible feat Santa Claus would have to make on Christmas eve.

In particular, it became clear that the route Santa — even if we exclude from it the home of non-Christians — went through about 91.8 million homes and $ 11.7 million miles. In order to keep up, Santa — so say calculations — would have to go with a speed more than 1000 times the speed of sound, and visit approximately 800 houses per second, and to bring all the gifts, he’d need a sledge weighing more than 300 thousand tons, which would take over 200 thousand deer. To trim task, suffice it to say that aerodynamic drag would lead to the fact that the sledge was cooked and would be destroyed within 4.26 milliseconds.

The article concluded that if Santa Claus really existed, he would have died. Or, as he said to Descartes, if he were Santa Claus: Ingnito, non ergo sum (I burn, therefore I don’t exist).

Happened to do with Santa and in fact such an accident is unknown, but it must be noted that the development of the plot in an amazing way corresponds to the action in the popular American Christmas story, which later became a Christmas song.)


Here is a reconstruction of the events may indeed have occurred one Christmas eve. We have taken the task, prompted Spy Magazine, and the events of the Christmas song “Rudolph the red nose” and tried to combine them. Events passed in hours-minutes-seconds-hundredths seconds sekunder-thousandths of a second.

  • 0:00:00:00:00 Santa Claus turns the ignition key
  • 0:00:00:00:01 Sleigh breaking the sound barrier
  • 0:00:00:00:02 Rudolph the red nose
  • 0:00:00:00:02 his Nose glows like ember
  • 0:00:00:00:03 the Rest of the reindeer in harness tease Rudolph
  • 0:00:00:00:03 the Reindeer tease Rudolph crank
  • 0:00:00:00:03 “It can light up!”
  • 0:00:00:00:04 Rudolph ignited

You can also quite imagine that originally this song was longer, but that screaming deer drowned out by the subsequent stanzas, unfortunately, the recording of the accident no, the “black box” also were not found. However, there is another Christmas song that can be based on eye-witness:

It was on Christmas night,
All the stars were shining
When suddenly the sky
There was a small
Star-the sun.

No, Santa Claus exists! The task given in the article in the journal Spy Magazine as the epidemic spread through the then still young Internet under the title “The physics of Santa Claus”. The problem about the impossibility of Santa’s journey, also known as “the Traveling Santa Problem” (TSP), was later refuted with various arguments — for example that not all kids are well-behaved, and that it is likely that the route Santa Causa shorter than the one that assumes the task.

In 2004, the issue was joined by Norwegian scientists. Astrophysicist Knut jørgen Reed Hedegard (Knut Jørgen Røed Ødegaard) argued that Santa in all probability, have equipped their sleds with the sword of ions with charged particles, and because of this he and his reindeer have acquired heat resistance.

The problem is the deer. Thus, scientists still argue about the existence of Santa Claus. And so, in the end, each of us must choose what we want to believe, the same as in the question of human-induced global warming. What if these two questions actually relate to each other? It is possible that Santa really exists, and that he, and not we heated the globe? “The deer is too often spoil the air”, wrote the newspaper Dagbladet for the first time mentioning about this fact in 2009. The fact that the stomach of a deer contains a large number of microbes that produce methane from carbon dioxide and hydrogen.

Methane absorbs sunlight and is the cause of global warming, its harmful potential is 25 times higher than carbon dioxide. And although the deer to spoil the air somewhat less than a cow, and clearly more often than sheep, it is estimated that deer can produce climate gases in the amount of tons of carbon dioxide over ten years, and perhaps even more if the deer are fed pellets instead of lichen.

Therefore, the Ministry of agriculture and food in 2009 was forced — probably quite independently of “The Traveling Santa Problem” — to demand to reduce the number of domestic reindeer in Norway for 30 thousand heads. But every year about 200 thousand of Santa’s reindeer provide us that in a short but intense period in the evening of Christmas eve reindeer doubles as an evening of Christmas eve the government.

For those who wondered where did Santa Claus this number of disposable deer, it is not hard to put two and two together — only in Finnmark (northernmost Norwegian province — approx. ed.), the owners of deer annually reported the loss of approximately 50,000 deer. Norwegian Institute of natural research denies that they could become a victim of predators. What happened? Who is to blame? Ho Ho Ho, Santa Claus, obviously.

Too much integrative work? Another discussed problem is the issues of road safety associated with the journey of Santa Claus. Can he even drive — from a medical point of view? If he is alive, he slowly begins to age, it’s no joke — about 1, 700 years on “the fifth point”. He also, according to the observations of eyewitnesses, suffers from a pronounced abdominal obesity, he had a ruddy face, a Swedish cardiologist expressed concern that he has hypertension, diabetes and hypercholesterolemia. In addition, he has, reputedly, a diet based on carbohydrates, consisting almost exclusively of cereals, but a way of life Santa characterizes the fact that the long periods of idleness alternate with stress beyond our understanding.

Two canadian proforca in 2015, warned that the working conditions of Santa Claus is very harmful — both physically and mentally. Santa have to pull over, jump out of their sleigh, jump into the pipe, fill with gifts, the stockings, put gifts under the tree, again to climb the pipe to climb into the sleigh to go to the next house, all within a thousandth of a second. In addition, it is likely that repetitive acceleration-deceleration sled with a force of approximately 17,500 times greater than gravity — with the shield of the ions or no — will be a risk of microlateral and damage to the blood vessels of the brain, and probably vascular dementia.

It was also stated that a cumulative contact Santa disallowed by the regulator tubes without the use of appropriate protective equipment may become the cause of his chronic interstitial lung disease, and that his constant shortness of breath limits his opportunity to speak to the whistling monosyllabic words like “Ho Ho Ho”. Made even the assumption that the whole of his toboggan project is actually hyperbaric treatment of respiratory, bizarre and harmful to animals treatment is aimed at ensuring constant positive pressure in the Airways.

And in General: we believe that the time has come to ask: can Santa Claus continue to drive properly? Managing the construction and operation of highways requires a professional driving license for heavy vehicles updated every five years. This requires that the concerned learned not compulsory extra courses in the amount of 35 hours in a licensed training centre. But in the new instructions of the Department of health about dealing with a driver’s license, the problem is ignored.

It turns out that our regulations do not correspond to the importance of environmental and transport problems may be the most important on the globe. It is likely that the exceptionally hard-working and agile in its 1,700 years of Santa Claus, despite his saintly status, can shake the fundamental representation ProfMedia about how extreme factors of age and other loads associated with the risk factors that affect health and function.

Conclusions. If Santa Claus really exists, he’s probably on the way to break our houses and melt your own. In order to reduce the movement of Santa, we should therefore take to heart the paradox of good and children quickly begin to educate such a good and more neutral in relation to climate children. For excellent behavior should be punished with the help of tree planting or to tax at the highest rates.

And still it is necessary to rewrite Christmas carols. If all I can say that you were great, you likely end.
We thank Lars Kerala (Lars Slørdal) for helpful suggestions on the manuscript. We offered him co-authorship, but he refused.

In writing this chronicle has not suffered a single deer.